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I am a Sunday Ticket viewer and can watch any game of my choice. (except when Raider home games are blacked out due to the NFL’s archaic policy - but that’s for another blog at another time)  It is so frustrating how often that wind bag Bill Maas is doing the game that I want to watch.  For those of you who are not familiar with his style allow me to describe it.  I can sum it up in one sentence:  He knows everything there was ever to be known about football and has never made a wrong decision in his life.  Conveniently, he will tell you what a team or player SHOULD have done just after the play in question is over.  So no wonder he’s always right. 

He’s one of a number of ex-jock football commentators whom I like to describe as “fascist” broadcasters.  I think Matt Millen was the originator of the style.  I couldn’t stand him either.  (It’s so wonderful seeing the Lions tank year after year but that’s another blog for another time.)  Fascist broadcasters do not listen to other’s point of view, nor are they ever wrong.  If their unfortunate play by play announcer should happen to question a viewpoint they will be verbally berated with an explanation that may or may not make any logical sense. No matter, as long as the fascist has the last word he can go on believing in his own all-knowing greatness. 

A perfect example happened in the Carolina/Minnesota game during the pivotal play in the ball game.  For some unknown reason while leading, the Panthers decided to run a lateral punt return to disasterous results.  To anyone who watched the game with their eyes and not their over-inflated egos, it was obviously a called play.  But Bill Maas didn’t think so and he would not accept the supposition from his booth partner that it may have been a planned play.  Admittedly, it seemed very strange that Carolina would make that call at that time, but I know of no player, green rookie or otherwise, who just decides on his own that it’s time to suddenly heave a backward pass halfway across the field.  It was most definitely planned but Mr. Maas wanted to use this as an opportunity to prove his own superiority by making sure everyone knew that he would never make such a bone-headed call. 

I also find it interesting that the commentators who employ the fascist method are enormous.  They’ve led their whole life using physical intimidation to frighten people into agreeing with them.  No wonder they believe in their own hot air. 

One more thing.  Is it just coincidence that Bill Maas shares the same initials as a more well-known egotistical meat head who ruled a certain Mediterranean country in the early part of the last century with an iron fist? (I’m referring to Benito Mussolini for those of you who are historically challenged.  But that’s another blog for another time)  I think not.

Bill Maas … shut the hell up. 

I understand that when Car and Driver, or Automobile, or Road & Track reviews the Mercedes Benz CL, it’s almost always going to be classed against the Aston Martin DB9, the Ferrari Maranello, the Jaguar XKR and the Continental Bentley. And it’s going to be rare (or never) that car reviewers will pit these cars against a Porsche 911 Turbo GT, or a Modena or a [insert chick-magnet sports car here].

The target market for these gentlemen rocket sleds are definitely not your high flying stockbroker or the fast talking sales guy hiked up on crack. These are built for the decision makers, the executives, the hefes. Unfortunately, by the time you’re either in that position or mindset, you’re already a gray puppy. And this is why you have the stereotypes. And if you’re a young buck with mondo money, chances are you want the [insert chick-magnet sports car here].

I want subtlety. I want uniqueness. What I don’t want is an orange Murcielago screaming “hey, check me out” as I fly down (or sit on) the freeway. I don’t need to an audience - in fact, that’s exactly what I don’t want.

The Aston Martin and the Maranello are beautiful. Telling you they’re sleek and capable cars is idiotic because you already know that. But can most of us afford a used 1995 DB9 for almost $100k or a used Maranello for less than $150k. There’s a premium for that car and the $2500 oil change every 5k miles doesn’t work too well. Nobody will insure you - and the slightest problem forces you to go to some mechanic who’s company name ends in “haus”. And you’re not exactly making Rap Star bling Mr. 9to5.

And even if I could, the true problem is their moth effect - they attract too much attention that it goes against the subtlety premise.

How about the Jaguar XKR you say? Unfortunately, it has two major deficiencies: First, there are way too many women driving the XK8, which looks exactly like the XKR except for gills on the hood. Second, it’s British. Let me stop there. If you don’t know, don’t trust me - buy a British car and own it for a year. For those who have owned a British car before, then “can I get an amen?” To top it off, there are simply not as many dealer channels to help you out when things do go wrong (and no, the Ford dealerships won’t help even though they own Jaguar).

Then there are those drivers who say that these cars, along with the CL, cushion you away from the driving experience. My response to that is if you want driving experience, then go drive the Lotus Elise - which is basically a go-cart fitted with a kit-car body. Anyone who wants to feel the stiff sports handling and the snap-your-head back speed should absolutely never look at these cars. This is not what they were designed for. You are not their buyer in mind - in fact, you never even made the list to attend their focus group evaluations.

The CL is not snazzy. Hell, it’s not even sexy. It’s a masculine design with classic round Merc headlights. It has strong lines and extremely subtlety - put your ear on the hood and listen. It’s whisphering to you : “yes, I look boring… but can you kick my ass?”

Let’s see what it does bring. Straightline speed [check]. Comfort and luxury of an ultra-plush automobile [check]. Note that I’m not talking Cadillac plush. It’s beyond that - the headliners are Italian suede [double check]. A computer that adjusts the body roll in realtime [check]. Six speed automatic mated into a V12 turbocharged 500hp engine or a 500hp AMG V8 [big check].

Does that sound subtle? Hell no. Does it look subtle? Sure it does. Is it executive subtle? Absolutely. And this is the very point of owning the CL. You don’t have to go around telling people you have a big dick - the trick is to be quiet and let others assume it.

A September 18th article by John Ryan in the SJ Mercury titled “Bullied About” should be passed around to every regional writer. And when it’s given to those writers, don’t deliver it in an envelope. Just roll it up and smack their chins with it. Memo to John Ryan: this is a creative, insightful and factual article - I enjoyed it.

Indeed, the article kicks the Raider organization in the proverbial balls. He emphasized the embarassing performance over 2 weeks. And he covered multiple channels and sources of information to point the obvious. He basically said “the Raiders suck” without really saying it. That is classy writing. And in all honesty, I wish all writers covering the Raiders would just write “The Raiders Suck - nothing new here” and sell the rest of the article’s space for ads.

The local wraps are unoriginal - for example, almost all of them wrote about Jerrod Cooper, a Raiders backup safety, begging through the media that Jerry Porter, the wide-receiver in the Coach’s dog house, be activated. In these articles, the writers never berated him for it - why not? I would’ve smashed Cooper’s comments - if a backup player firmly believes that Porter will make 52 other guys play ten times better, then fire Art Shell and make Cooper the coach. Why is this backup even talking to the media? And if the current #2 and #3 receivers (Whitted or Curry) can’t do what Porter can do, why settle for Porter; why didn’t the Raiders get Deion Branch? Hell, if I was Cooper, I instead would’ve said “I wish that Tim Brown and Jerry Rice were 15 years younger and were here. In fact, I wish Art would suit up. Heck, I wish I could block and tackle so that I can start.”

But you have to hand it to Jerrod though - he doesn’t give the standard-ahtlete-quotes like “there’s no ‘I’ in team… we just want to prove ourselves and give 110 percent…” I guess writers wouldn’t want to make him feel inept since he’s an honest source - stupid, but honest. And just like all the other quoted sources by John Ryan, it shows how the Raiders are up some creek regardless of the fact that they are not the only 0-2 team in the league.

I’m curious if this barrage on the MIB will continue if they somehow beat Cleveland and the 49ers, 2-2 in week-5 and sitting in 3rd place in the AFC West. Will the world forget? Nahhh…. It’s the Raiders - the world loves piling it on.

But just in case, be prepare for an 0-4 record in week-5.

. Thank you, I’m here all till Thursday. Try the veal…

It’s Tuesday morning in Alameda. You’re the head coach of the most popular sports franchise in the country, possibly the world. Your team was just b**tch slapped in front of Prime Time America, Monday Night Football - on the inaugural and, surely, historical game on ESPN. What’s worst is that San Diego never referred to your team as the opponent, or the Raiders, or the guys in black. They simply called you “Vicky”, nay “Susan”… some name insinuating that the sole reason you lost was because your skirt was too high and your stilleto heels were gripping too deep in the sea level turf. There’s no hiding it - the whole world knows about it. So what do you tell them on your first team meeting?

Would you do the classic movie routine where you throw the Gatorade table on its side and begin to scream at the entire team? How about pointing a finger to your star player, calling him out and questioning his manhood in front of the others? How about something traditional like making them run gassers until they vomit, or ladders on the bleechers while they carry their helmets 2 feet up in the air.

But that won’t work. Because that’s exactly what they are expecting. They’re prepared for that. As a coach, you need to shake things up and fast. I think these boys need some good old fashion…. donuts.

Yes, I said it - Krispy Kreme. Art should just get some dozens and pass them around. Why? Because they lost - and lost big. The whole world is laying it on thick. Fans are switching citizenship away from The Nation. Columnists are skewering anything and everything associated with the Raiders. I’m surprised Run Run Jones wasn’t in any of the articles. What is punishment going to do? They already know about the screw up - Now is the time to rebuild their confidence. Reading this article is the first step to doing that…. Because you won’t get any negative critique of the Raiders here - not in SOTI. I’m all about the “glass being half full”.

Seriously - you won’t see negative speculations about the Raiders from me. I won’t even discuss how a future Trivia Pursuit question will be something like “What NFL team was unmercilessly crucified on ESPN’s inaugural Monday Night Football?” Seriously - I won’t write such crap here.

I won’t even discuss how Aaron Brooks should’ve put on a Trojan rubber - it provided better protection than his offensive line. No way - I’m in 100% support of those guys. I’m sure they tried their best. I’m very sure that they absolutely earned the respect of their fellow O-Linesmen from the rest of the league, certainly the respect of their coach because even he knows that “those who can’t end up coaching”.

And I don’t want any readers commenting on this blog about how the retooled defense, blessed with speed and first round picks, sat in a yellow bus throughout the first half. That bus was driven by San Diego’s Tomlinson taking the Raider defense to school. Yeah, I don’t want to see any smart remarks like this. In fact, don’t even try saying that “Lamont Jordan and Zack Crocket and Justin Fargas never suited up because they put on hospital scrubs - LT was holding a clinic.” Yeah, none of that - not here… this site is all positive.

And if anyone jokes about the Raider’s offense being dynamic and ingenius as you would expect from Walsh (not Bill, but Tom), I’ll crack you. Seriously. I don’t want to read about put-downs on a man who has been reinventing the game of footbal in the back of serving napkins at a Bed & Breakfast in Idaho… I won’t have any of that.

So remember… Krispy Kreme’s are the answer to a hurting bunch. They don’t need you or me to remind them of their problems. They’re professionals - they know.

You have to admire Americans, specifically the sports fan.  It’s a country where everything should be a homerun…  a touchdown…  the winning 3 point chuck with 1 second left in the clock.  In fact, we even create amazing scenarios to make the odds greater - a grandslam in the bottom of the 9th down by 3…  or the fade-away shot with no time left to tie the game, fouled while in the air and making the foul shot to win the game… or an unbelievable hail-mary from your own 35 with a beautiful run-after-catch at the opposing 20 for a touchdown to win by 1 with only 9 seconds left in the 4th quarter…  You get the picture.

Chances are, those scenarios are rare in occurence.  And even when they do occur, it’s more improbable to have the heroes at the right place at the right moment.  But we love the impossible.

I think it’s genetic for most of us to want to be an underdog.  We like to come back from a lost cause to see the type of character we’ve built to get us here.  And if it’s not us, we want to root for someone who is in that enviable position.

The Press Democrat had an article about San Jose State regarding the college football media day - football players and coaches from Stanford, Cal and San Jose State sitting in a San Francisco restaurant for media interviews a few weeks ago.  Apparently, hardly anyone from the media interviewed the “polite and well-dressed” players from San Jose State, who “sat there like those shy unnoticed kids at high school dances, and you felt crummy for them”.  As a beat writer, why waste your time with players without a national reputation, both athletic and academic?

San Jose State is a commuter college, often ignored - invisible beneath Cal and Stanford’s light.  Heck, you can’t even mention that you’re a Spartan without anyone saying “oh, you went to Michigan State”?  Here’s the paragraph that carried the article: ‘Those kids sitting alone at the tables must have been hurting. It stinks to be ignored. Lawrence Fan, the sports information director of the Spartans, walked over to me and asked if I wanted to talk to his players. I’ve known Lawrence forever and he’s one of the best in the business and I said, “Sure, I’d love to talk to your players,” although I had been avoiding them for an hour.’

Do people even know that there have been some good players that came out of SJSU?  How about Mervyn Fernandez (Raiders), Mike Perez (CFL), Johnny Saxon (Cardinals, Niners) - don’t know them?  How about that QB from the Niners, Jeff Garcia?  I’m sure you can search for more (maybe).  But even with Tomey at the helm, they still have only 1 winning year in the past 12, no serious booster money, and a tiny fan base that annually jeopardizes the program to being junked.  They truly are a lost cause - the perfect underdogs.

This past Saturday, Stanford played San Jose State where everyone expected the Cardinals to rout 450-17 (that’s not a mistype… 64 touchdowns and a safety).  I won’t go into the details of the game - you can read that in finely written articles of the Bay Area media.  But after being down by 20 points, the world expected the Spartans to fold and quietly disappear back to downtown San Jose.  But those “polite and well-dressed” kids “hurting, and sitting alone at the tables” being ignored at the college media conference believed in themselves and each other.  They beat Stanford 35-34.

Once in a blue moon, things do fall in favor of the underdog.  It’s not often and it’s never Hollywood glamorous.  I don’t doubt that we’re all going to forget about this game by Wednesday.  And those “kids” will become invisible again.  Week in and week out, Stanford (and Cal) will get the cover page of the local fishwraps, and San Jose State will have some nice blurb at the bottom of page 6.  But once in a blue moon…