SomewhereOnTheInternet.Com

As a fan, I’m reading free online reports (hear that Kawakami? It’s the internet - it’s free) about the latest Raiders draft picks and ran across this post:

http://myespn.go.com/s/conversations/show/story/4110782

Who do we have here: Suzy Kolber, Trent Dilfer, Cris Carter, Tom Jackson and a backup quarterback for the NY Giants who is probably more famous for his The Bachelor episode than any throw he’s made. The article is about Mike Mitchell - a safety who I believe could be something special in the NFL. Yet the video is a rant-off about the Raider’s 7th overall pick - Darrius Heyward-Bey.

I’ll let you watch it for yourself but I walk away with a couple of things:

1. Carter is a classless punk. I no longer feel sympathy for you for not winning the big dance. And I hope that you were DHB’s role model so that he will have a big chip on his shoulder.
2. Trent Dilfer… I don’t know where you end and where Carter begins because you’re really up Carter’s ass. By the way, didn’t you lose your 49er position to… hmmm some guy I have never heard of… oh yeah - Shaun Hill - wasn’t he an undrafted free agent signed by the Vikings eight years ago?
3. Tom Jackson… is he still alive? When is he going to just go away? I guess I would be bitter too had I lost to the Raiders as much as he did.
4. Jesse Palmer - what dropped balls? How many? Stop repeating Mel Kiper and show me the f-ing highlights on the dropped balls? I can’t find any on the web. Besides, wasn’t Palmer a 4th rounder in 2001? Oh and he never played…. right….
5. Suzy Kolber - how can you yukk it up with these imbeciles and then proceed to interview Darrius… that was wrong. No wonder you’re still NOT in a prime time ESPN show. Can you go back to commentating gymnastics?

And here are some memorable quotes that I stumbled upon…
“I’ll see you at his hall of fame induction” - Mel Kiper about WR Mike Williams.

“that’s why they keep picking number two every year” - Mel Kiper about RB Marshall Faulk after the Colts selected him. (Faulk had a great career and the year he was drafted the Colts improved to 8-8 and the following season they made the playoffs).

One last note: whenever I see these sites that talk about DHB or Mitchell or Raiders draft in general, there are plenty of non-Raiders fans chiming in… my question is “what are you guys doing in these sites? Don’t you have your own team to worry about?” If the Raiders are going to suck yet again in 2009, then what are you blabbering about - worry about someone who will compete with you then - don’t waste your time with the Raiders because we won’t matter much anyway, right?

And there were plenty of ex-Raider fans going off about burning their allegiance. Great. Don’t let the door hit you on your way off the Raider wagon.

I regret that I read Tim Kawakami’s column in the San Jose Mercury (Winners and losers of the NFL draft) because I added a “hit” to that web page, possibly adding to the false conclusion that Kawakami’s regurgitated words mean anything. I regret even going to the Merc’s site - their writing is sub-par, their insights are rethreads from other sporting sites and they don’t add any value to Bay Area sports.

Memo to Tim - can you just write “I hate the Raiders and they suck to all hell” and just put more ads on your column? I think that will make more click-through dollars for you guys.

Memo to Tim’s boss - can you just dump this guy and put a link to my blog?

Let’s get to the bottom of all this and go bullet for bullet against Tim’s incredible insight.

1. Why did the Raiders choose DHB as the overall 7th pick?

They’ve always wanted DHB. They didn’t want Crabtree or Maclin.

2. If the entire planet sees DHB as the 3rd best receiver, why not drop down and pick him up somewhere in the teens or late first round?

First, everyone assumes that they could trade down. What if they couldn’t? What if the only possible trade-down they could have made was so late in the first round that another team would’ve selected DHB. Then what do you have?

3. Why don’t they want Crabtree or Maclin?

Crabtree made it clear he didn’t want to go to Oakland. Would you dish out millions of dollars to some kid who didn’t care for your team? Maclin and DHB may have been so close in their skills that DHB won out because of this personality, work ethic, pro-style offense, insert more reasons here.

Regardless of the reason, they like DHB and wanted him all along - but they couldn’t trade down. Conclusion: just take him.

4. Tim has seen DHB play. In fact, he has watched every Maryland game and according to his own personal cornerback, wide receiver and quarterbacking experience, DHB is simply unreliable.

Should I even go here? Is football really that simple? Are there stats on open field drops? You mean Maclin and Crabtree had zero drops? I saw a highlight film for DHB and he looked pretty reliable to me. Maybe the announcers in those Maryland games should eat their own shit for saying things like “how do you not cover the best player on this team” (DHB catching a pass for a touchdown).

5. What about Mitchell - who is this guy?

Browns and Bears had him high on their board (2nd round). If the Raiders didn’t take him, he would have been taken by the 47th pick or sooner.

6. No offensive tackles or quality defensive ends to get?

That’s been addressed by a coach who specializes on offensive lines. I think I would believe Cable over Kawakami on this one

7. Are the Raiders only drafting fast guys?

It does seem like it. But here’s a clue… when you apply for a job, you submit a resume. Because there could be many applicants, you have to screen them by looking at some pre-requisites (school, degree, gpa, blah, blah). The Raiders use the speed filter - is that so bad? Ok, so now you have the top 5 safeties based on speed… now you can drill down further on what makes each one better….

Screw that - here’s a better answer. A coach can teach you how to run routes, catch a ball, hit another player - YOU CAN’T TEACH SPEED.

8. Why is Kawakami saying that Cable has a horrendous job as the Oakland Coach?

Hmmm… on the one hand, I sympathize with Cable in being at the center of an incredibly challenging job - where he has the opportunity to turn a franchise around into something special. There’s a lot of obstacles. It’s genuine hard work. But he’s in the middle of it and some would think that’s just great.

On the other hand, Tim works for a newspaper company, a dinosour media outlet that will probably disappear in less than five years. Does anyone even pay for the San Jose Mercury anymore?

Stop killing trees and read your news online? It’s free.

This is a copy of a letter made public today by the Oakland Raiders sent to Lane Kiffin, who was replaced by Tom Cable (Offensive Line Coach) as the new Raiders head coach.

September 12, 2008

By Hand Delivery and Federal Express

Dear Lane:

Over the past months, you have made a number of public statements that were highly critical of, and designed to embarrass and discredit, this organization, its players and its coaches. I left you alone during training camp in hopes that you would cease your immature and destructive campaign.

However, you continue to make public statements that are critical of the organization, its players as whole as well as individual players. Such statements constitute conduct detrimental to the Raiders and I will no longer stand silently by while you continue to hurt this organization.

Further, your contract is quite clear that you work “subject to the direction and supervision of the General Partner” and that the General Partner has “the exclusive right to do all things, which in its sole discretion are necessary to maintain and improve the Club, the football organization and their activities.”

I realized when I hired you that you were young and inexperienced and that there would be a learning process for you. Your mistakes on player personnel and coaches were overlooked based on our patience with you. But I never dreamt that you would be untruthful in statements to the press as well as on so many other issues. Your actions are those of a coach looking to makes (sic) excuses for not winning, rather than a coach focused on winning.

For example, with the exception of Gibril Wilson, you were involved in recruiting all free agents and determining salaries for them and you were explicit about your desire to sign Javon Walker and DeAngelo Hall amongst others. All were a must to sign in your eyes, Hall, in particular, because he played for Greg Knapp in Atlanta and Knapp gave him high grades. Do not run from that now.

I do realize that you did not want us to draft JaMarcus Russell. He is a great player. Get over it and coach this team on the field, that is what you were hired to do. We can win with this team!

In regards to your recent fabrications about the defense, during the final cuts you made every cut on offense and every cut on defense except for (Fred) Wakefield on defense and (Seth) Wand on offense. Furthermore, during the game Monday night (defensive coordinator) Rob (Ryan) played your Cover-2 defense and we got killed on an approximately 50-yard touchdown pass and an approximately 70-yard gain that led to a field goal.

You meet every week with the defensive coaches to go over both the past game and to get a general feel for what will happen during the week in practice. You have the ability and authority to provide your input during those meetings and the preparation of the game plan. I do not have weekly meetings with Rob — you do.

During the week no one has ever told you what to do on either offense or defense. In addition, no one has ever told you during a game what to do on either offense or defense and you call every play on offense. During a game if you want to blitz more, all you have to do is let Rob know what blitz you want and he will do it.

Although you continue to use the media to express your dissatisfaction with others, no one has publicly pointed out to you that in four preseason games and one regular-season game played this year, your offense has scored one first-half touchdown. That put tremendous pressure on the defense.

I know that you wanted to bring your father in to run the defense and that Monte told me that he wanted to come here even though he as (sic) under contract to Tampa. However I did not want to tamper with another team. In any event that was over seven months ago. Do not now also run from the defense and your responsibilities.

This letter constitutes notice that if you further violate any term of your contract, in any manner whatsoever, you will be terminated for cause. I trust that this will not occur.

A.D. Football, Inc.

I take occasional road trips and afterwards I write up a little journal of my experiences in order to preserve the good memories.  From my latest trip to Vegas I made an entry that I felt was more appropriate for a blog.  It goes as follows:

When it was about a quarter to 7, I headed out for Cashman Stadium.  I arrived without difficulty, paid to park, bought my ticket for nine bucks and was at my seat before the National Anthem was sung.  Since the game hadn’t started I decided to go get something to eat.  I got a hot dog, pretzel and a Pepsi.  I was dressing my dog when the National Anthem started and it’s really starting to peeve me at how un-American people have gotten about showing their patriotism.  As an American, I should not have to observe the National Anthem if I don’t feel like it.  But everyone in the whole damn stadium came to a stand still so I had to stand there at the condiment stand like an idiot waiting for the fat lady to stop singing, else risk offending these so-called Americans.  These people are too stupid to realize that they are acting more like Nazis then Americans.

… on fossil fuel dependency. Remember the good old days when the USA declared war on its enemies Germany and Japan and the people in this country pulled together and devoted virtually all of its energy to defeating their foes in battle. Neither do I. I was born in 1968 so it would be impossible for me to remember. But I do watch the History Channel. We produced war machines in mind-boggling numbers. We shipped goods all over the world. We unlocked the secrets of the atomic bomb. And we sent thousands of young men overseas to die.

Imagine what this country could do if it devoted the same level of effort that it showed in WWII into ridding itself of its dependency on fossil fuel. With all the research focused on coming up with alternative fuels and alternative energy sources I’m sure it could be done in 5-10 years instead of the decades it will take at the current pace of activity.

Wasn’t the frenzy of spending during WWII the chief reason the US pulled out of the Great Depression. I’m no economist, but wouldn’t a war on fossil fuel dependency also have a positive effect on the economy? To change our sources of energy, whether you are talking about how it’s produced or how it’s delivered, I assume would take an immense amount of funding and investment. And wouldn’t that kind of spending be done here in the States as opposed to the current situation where much of our wealth is shipped off to line the pockets of some Middle Eastern shieks?

Look around. Gas is hitting $4 a gallon. Do you see fewer cars on the road? I don’t. You cannot expect people to give up their mobility. Why should they? There’s nothing evil about it. Maybe the tree huggers would prefer that we all take up bicycling but I don’t see that happening. Nor do I foresee people getting out of their cars in mass and using public transportation. Further, not everyone is as fortunate as I am to live close enough to walk to work. All of these solutions are well and good but they only reduce the problem. They do not eliminate it. A complete overhaul of the system is needed.

Oil is getting too damn expensive. It’s polluting the air. It’s creating political turmoil throughout the world. It’s time to say enough is enough. Picture what a perfect world it would be if your car and your electricity were produced by domestic, environmentally friendly resources. Will it be nuclear, solar, wind, corn, switchgrass, pondscum or whatever? The solution has to be out there. Let’s throw the same kind of effort we did into defeating the Imperial Japanese and the Nazis into finding that solution.

The end.

Wikipedia defines the unicorn as a legendary creature, shy and elusive. It could be captured only by unfair means. Everyone has a unicorn - mine happens to be a particular car. And yes, it was captured unfairly indeed.

Anyone who knows me understands this vice. I’ve owned and driven more cars than anyone I know. Except for three that come to mind, all of those cars, trucks and SUVs were of my choice. Like other little boys growing up, when it came to automobiles, I wanted to drive everything with wheels.

Well this unicorn is unique in many ways. If you put it on a motorshow stand, everyone will stare at it. But when moved away from the spotlight and placed on a crowded freeway or a Safeway parking lot, it fades discreetly into anonymity. It’s not an LA face with a new pair of installed Ds screaming “hey, check these out”. It’s elegant and subtle - I dig that.

Many might compare this to Nicholas Cage’s Eleanor in “Gone In 60 Seconds” - but I don’t want to go there. Remember, Eleanor was scrapped in the end… Besides, I can’t imagine Eleanor being the sexiest of names (I apologize now to all table dancers named Eleanor).

After years of waiting, a unicorn popped up not in Paris, London, LA or NY… but in the car capital of the world - Sacramento. The online pictures were disenchanting, the price was expectedly high, the impression I got was “hmmm, another one out of reach”.

Confucius said that “destiny is simply opportunity seized” - was that Buddha or Tony Robbins? Maybe it was Dr. Phil? But at least it answers why I haven’t bought a car in three years.

In the last days of 2007, news of this Sacramento “coachworks” closing its doors to open a new one sometime in 2008 brought the car back into my attention. The car was being re-offered at an unfairly reasonable price - I seized it (and haggled further, of course).

At the showroom floor, during the test drive, and throughout my long stares at the unicorn after parking it on back on the dealers lot, the only thought in my mind was “would I want to tell my grandkids some long story about that reliable Toyota or would I want to tell this story?”

“I’ll take it.”

I had to leave it at the “coachworks” for a while and it should be delivered this coming week. I don’t need to say the unicorn’s make or model - it’s a personal prize. It’s probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done (well, except for that time in high school with the vice principal during archery class - ahhh, I digress). You could go as far as saying it’s moronic. But maybe it’s that moronic side, that resistance to the vicissitudes of life, which brings me to these unreasonable decisions. Then again, it’s the most fun I’ve had without being naked.

I personally have found new appreciation for those who try to send a message across in a 30 second TV spot. It’s hard!! This week, Plaxo and a few other startups launched their versions of Superbowl ads using YouTube as their media vehicle. It’s a fantastic idea considering this is their target market for what it is they all do. What do I mean?

First, anyone and everyone will watch the Superbowl. Some have computers - most will not. Those with computers won’t all have internet access - a significant number won’t. Let’s face it - you’re going to have diesel mechanics and police officers dunking down pork chops and washing it down with a Bud - many of your TV viewers will be people who don’t give a hoot about being “connected”.

Sure, I don’t have the data to prove it but I can easily imagine that over 50% (ok 80%) of the viewers won’t give a rat’s donkey about CareerBuilder.com or GoDaddy. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing monkeys on screen as much as the next guy. But tell me this - does Edith, the truck stop waitress, really give a care about IBM’s on demand server solutions?

But back to my original point - trying to fit an idea in 30 seconds is insanely hard. I found this out really quick when a bunch of us at Plaxo were trying to… well… make a commercial. Fortunately, unlike TV, we didn’t have to worry too much about the time limit. I suppose the advantage of using the internet as your medium is its flexibility. Think about it - no FCC, no broadcasting company telling you what you can or can’t air, no review or rating panel to turn down your porn spokeswoman, or no nothing (yeah, I said “no nothing”). Here’s the “aired” commercial:

This ad was filmed using a Sony HD camera, $20 for beer, a couple of hours one late afternoon and a bit of editing - but the experience will always be priceless. It’s 1:21 and probably as tightly edited as we could get it without losing our message. You can view the other ads in YouTube. Is it TV quality? Well, that’s subjective - everyone has an opinion. (Holy crap - you should see some of the comments after viewing these videos - harsh!!! “Stop hatin’… and start participatin’…”).

Now, does this change the way companies reach out to consumers? Hmmm.. not really - there’s still a long way to go. It’s a big world out there. It’s still going to be a while before the diesel mechanics and police officers of the world would agree that “the dang fangled web thing-a-majig” is more than just a time waste. I should know… my pops was a cop and a diesel mechanic.

I started SOTI (somewhereontheinternet.com) as a place to rant about one thing and many things. Putting the site together didn’t take much time, especially with the blogging software WordPress. And as I breezed through the setup and config, I hit an unexpected wall. I was stumped for hours, staring blankly at the setup field called “tagline”.

There are many seductive lines that attract people. And before you start tooting that quintessential homerun “Hey there, do you work out?”, I’m thinking of ’seductive lines’ in a different sense. In a world where everyone is a consumer, we continue to bombard each other with a myriad of tag lines, phrases and ‘isms - infusing ‘bad english’ jargons in our daily conversations. Does “dude, are you gellin’?” sound familiar?

Everyone knows “Just Do It”, “If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face” and “The Freshmaker”. I hear those words and I want to strap on my Air Jordans, slam a CJ burger down my throat and follow it up with a Menthos chaser.

And everyone knows the office buzz words “paradigm shift”, “equilibrium point” and “synergy”. Maybe you’re a bit younger and only remember “out of the box thinker”, “5 Nine Uptime”, “what do you bring to the table” and the ever popular “30,000 foot view”. Waitress, check please!!!

For the SomewhereOnTheInternet.com site, I wanted to have that ‘everyday Joe’ tagline. It’s a truck stop, a diner somewhere on the information superhighway. And the tagline should be something that has withstood recessions, inflations, fashion and trickle-down-economies. It must exude comfort, honesty and apple pie. Yet it doesn’t offend anyone (offending everyone is highly acceptable). It should open its arms and embrace those who knock at the front door. It should attract passers by like “Vacancy”, “Buy One Get One At Half Price”, “Finish Our 40 Ounce Steak And Your Dinner Is Free”, “Under New Management”, “Liquidation Sale - Everything Must Go”, “Live Nude Girls”… And then it hit me…

“Open 24 Hours”. What better describes ’somewhere on the internet’. Sweet.